ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel to see loved ones this holiday season, but it’s important to understand that the dirty bombs and chemical weapons detonated at every major airport from LAX to JFK make travel inadvisable for the foreseeable future,” said Director Robert R. Redfield, adding that the CDC agents had guaranteed the halt of any the coronavirus spread with the additional dynamiting of 50,000 miles of highways, carpet-bombing of all significant rail lines, and placing heads on pikes outside most bus depots as a warning to would-be travelers. “Your safety is our foremost concern, which is why we also recommend that Americans avoid traveling on public transportation, as each and every bus and train has been rigged to explode with C-4 if anyone steps on-board. Anyway, it’s just common sense to take care of yourself and wait to see relatives until late 2021 when the sarin gas clears from your hometown.” At press time, an AP journalist following up on whether healthy, young Americans were advised to travel home had immediately been taken out by a five-kiloton bomb dropped from a CDC drone.
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