CDC Warns About More Deadly Covid Variants After Virus Mutates Into Serial Killer Richard Ramirez

Illustration for article titled CDC Warns About More Deadly Covid Variants After Virus Mutates Into Serial Killer Richard Ramirez

ATLANTA—Urging the nation’s populace to remain vigilant against the lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Tuesday to warn of an even more deadly Covid variant after the virus mutated into notorious serial killer Richard Ramirez. “In an effort to avoid this virus, we are asking all Americans to remain at home with the door locked, and we recommend cities continue to implement curfews, as our data indicate this new variant often strikes at night,” said CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky, stressing that Americans should avoid social gatherings as the cruel, remorseless virus was capable of moving undetected through large groups of people. “We believe that the virus is currently speeding up the California coast, with the possibility of traveling much further. Be on the lookout for common symptoms such as bloody tire irons and Satanic pentagrams. If you believe you may have seen this Covid variant in your community, please immediately contact the authorities.” At press time, Walensky urged Americans to steel themselves for additional Covid variants after getting early reports of a Zodiac Killer mutation which was almost impossible to trace.

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