Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them

Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them

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Celebrities’ lives may seem perfect, but like anyone else, their actions have consequences. The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars how being canceled changed them, and this is what they said.

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Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle

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“I’ve had to accept the fact that saying bigoted, hateful things has consequences, like additional fame, wealth, and influence.”

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Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres

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“I’ve learned who my real friends are, and I’m mean to them, too.”

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J.K. Rowling

J.K. Rowling

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“I’ve had a lot of time to think about how I absolutely will not change.”

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R. Kelly

R. Kelly

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“Being what? Wait, what did I do?”

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Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer

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“I do not have as much money as I used to.”

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Matt Damon

Matt Damon

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“Now, I only use homophobic slurs when I truly mean them.”

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Morgan Wallen

Morgan Wallen

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“As a white person, I’ve contemplated the racist history of the N-word and will never say it again on camera.”

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Chris Noth

Chris Noth

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“Why don’t you sit on my lap while I tell you about it?”

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Sia

Sia

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“Took off the wig. Problem solved.”

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Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari

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“I spent the entire time I was canceled learning how to play the guitar, but I still suck at it.”

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Mario Batali

Mario Batali

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“I now cook tomato sauce exclusively for other depraved perverts.”

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James Gunn

James Gunn

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“This hiatus has given me some much-needed time to think long and hard about the deep sea and the undiscovered creatures that reside therein.”

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Lea Michele

Lea Michele

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“I’m leaving fewer witnesses now.”

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Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks

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“I spend every waking moment consumed with guilt over my despicable and depraved deeds.”

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Louis CK

Louis CK

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“My hands get a little sweaty when an audience doesn’t welcome me with a standing ovation.”

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Gina Carano

Gina Carano

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“I’m trying to focus on being a terrible, flat actor in small theater roles.”

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Armie Hammer

Armie Hammer

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“I just want to take this opportunity to state for the record that I have never indulged in the exquisite pleasure of tasting the forbidden fruit that is human flesh.”

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Shannen Doherty

Shannen Doherty

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“My photo pops up now when you google ‘canceled celebrities,’ so that’s something.”

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Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden

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“I got really into borscht.”

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Rupert Grint

Rupert Grint

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“I haven’t been canceled yet but my agent is trying to book something for 2025.”

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Mu’ammar Gaddhafi

Mu’ammar Gaddhafi

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“It helped me realize that I care too much about what other people think. Just be yourself.”

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​​Hilaria Baldwin

​​Hilaria Baldwin

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“No hablo inglés.”

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