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“After years of Chris constantly asking me to check out his band, I finally did and, look, even I have limits.”
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“Nicole Kidman? Haha! Great, so great! Thank you for asking. Hope you have an outstanding day!”
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“Elin [Nordegren] said I was obsessed with golf, but when I started sleeping with other women, that wasn’t good enough either.”
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“It was tough, Scarlett told me I just wasn’t enough for her. She said she wanted a man who could make her break out in an amused half-smile every day.”
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“All of them complained about my beloved eels.”
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“I was an Academy Award-winning actress; he was the star of Monster Garage with appearances on Sons Of Guns and Spike TV. It was never going to work. I was just too intimidated.”
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“Will Arnett and I actually split because we wanted to see millions of sicko fans cry about how our divorce meant love was dead.”
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“You’ve heard Russell Brand say even one thing, yes?”
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“Before we made a long-term commitment, Jennifer [Garner] and I should have talked openly about how much I’d want to one day fuck our nanny.”
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“Wait what? I need to make a call right now.”
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“Sometimes you look at someone and you just think, you know, I’m just not the same person I was when we got married 72 days ago. And that’s why I split with Kris Humphries.”
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“Meg Ryan refused to convert to Islam.”
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“Chris Pratt and I made a suicide pact and then both backed out of it at the last minute. We just stood there, unfired pistols to our hands, and we knew the marriage was over.”
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“I really want to tell you, but my NDA doesn’t run out for another 9,991 years.”
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“Everyone knew Dennis [Rodman] had a reputation, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that he insisted on natural granite countertops when I was pushing for soapstone. We were always doomed.”
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“He lied to me about his age. I was shocked. He told me he was a 53-year-old real estate lawyer. Turns out he was just some 20-something prank show host.”
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“We’re still happily married, but the minute Nespresso tells me to, I’ll dump Amal on the side of the road.”
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“Basically, Anna Faris and I have been in entertainment for so long that we have the intellectual development of 12-year-olds and the egos of omnipotent gods. Combine those two, put us together in an environment of crass consumerism, and you have a recipe for a relationship imploding.”
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“Mostly, I wanted to see old photos of Brad [Pitt] and I with a big crack photoshopped through the middle.”
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“People like to sensationalize my marriage to Jeff [Goldblum], but at the end of the day, we’re both just fame-obsessed sociopaths like anyone else.”
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“Sometimes people change. God, please don’t tell him yet, it’s going to break his heart.”
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“Me? I don’t know if you’d technically call me a celebrity. But, sure, I was married to Gwen Stefani and it ended.”
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“It can be hard, I respect the genius, but all geniuses are a little crazy too, and that can make it hard to live the kind of life I really want. But me and Kanye will always be best friends.”
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