You may feel like you’re a professional chef when you’re in the kitchen, but could you really cook like one? We spoke to several successful culinary moguls and asked them to describe their favorite cooking hacks.
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“This is a bit advanced for non-chefs, but I use a tool known as a ‘knife.’”
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“First you must cook delicious food. Then you must sell worse versions of this food in airports.”
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“I mean, I pretty much just do what they tell me.”
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“My biggest tip? When Googling me, make sure you include the word ‘recipe’ and don’t click anything else.”
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“My skills were forged in the fires of culinary Irkalla, born of the limbo between dream and sleep. No mortal hacks exist that lead to my signature Fat Doug pastrami burger.”
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“My favorite shortcut while cooking is putting something in the oven and pulling it out moments later, perfectly cooked, from my second magic oven.”
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“Seventy percent of ingredients can be replaced with dirt, and only about half of the people notice.”
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“Stick with simple recipes your family loves. Jeffery eats 10 roast chickens a day.”
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“As your guests go to take their first bite, if you stand behind them and make the ‘Mmmm’ noise at the right volume, sometimes they’ll think that it’s them making that noise, and they’ll think that they’re actually enjoying the meal a lot.”
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“Unfortunately, all of my cooking hacks are now only available to those who have passed onto the other side.”
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“A lot of people won’t tell you this, but you shouldn’t eat chicken raw.”
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“People are always surprised when I tell them the secret to a perfect beef Wellington is several decades of experience in professional kitchens where beef Wellington is on the menu.”
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“The food will taste way better when it’s served at a restaurant that has your name on it.”
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“It sends a powerful message to each house guest when you top each serving of mac and cheese with bullet casings.”
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“While seasoning, keep in mind that life is a meaningless ruse, a hapless farce which we toil in vain to imbue with meaning. So go nuts with the hot sauce.”
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“My manager says I really can’t talk to the press anymore.”
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“With the price of bottled water these days, installing a faucet in your kitchen could be the best investment you ever make.”
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“Salt throughout, not just at the beginning. You should be pouring salt into your guests’ mouths as they eat your dish.”
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“If you accidentally give your guests salmonella poisoning, just act like the severe diarrhea and fever are a part of the dish and your guests will never notice the difference.”
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“When you’re cooking authentic Mexican cuisine, the best hack I know is to be a white guy from Oklahoma.”
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