Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips

Unless you’re living in a one bedroom with nothing but a mattress, there’s always room to downsize! The Onion asked several celebrity designers to give us their best home decluttering tips, and this is what they said.

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Joanna Gaines

“I’m so obsessed with sheds now. Put a shed for storage in each room of your house, and it will change your life.”

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Tiffany Brooks

“Glue googly eyes and draw a smile on each item you own. If you then get mad at that object and have an argument with it, you know that you don’t belong together.”

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Marie Kondo

“I roll every sock I own into one gigantic sock ball. That way I don’t have a bunch of smaller sock balls wreaking havoc.”

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The Property Brothers

“We don’t know. We just give all our trash to our third brother.”

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David Bromstad

“My advice is to cram every single one of your earthly possessions into a room that I call the Furniture Pit. Then lock the door and weld it shut to ensure that you don’t get tempted to remove any of the furniture and clutter the rest of your perfectly empty house.”

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Bobby Berk

“Everything in your home should be functional. Your microwave, blender, and refrigerator should all do something so that they’re not just taking up space for no reason.”

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Joanna Teplin

“Oh, I can tell you how to declutter. Gonna cost you $200k, though.”

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Rose Uniacke

“In my experience, the best way to declutter a home is to remind your client David Beckham that no one gives a shit about looking at his 2008 and 2012 ESPY Awards for Best MLS Player.”

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Nate Berkus

“Take all the pictures you have of your children and throw them away. Your children hate you.”

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Clea Shearer

“Take four boxes and label them as ‘trash,’ ‘donate,’ ‘keep,’ and ‘relocate.’ Now sleep in the trash box overnight.”

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Christina Haack

“Let several goats loose in your living room, and they’ll slowly gnaw away at everything.”

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Chip Gaines

“I label my rooms so I know exactly where they are. After I labeled my bathroom, I had an easier time remembering that this is where I go to urinate.”

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Leanne Ford

“You’d be surprised by just how much you can fit under the bed: shoes, blankets, gun safes, ammunition, body armor, night vision goggles, gas masks—these things don’t need to crowd your armory.”

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Jonathan Adler

“When my house has too many things in it, I simply buy another house and put some of the items in the new one.”

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Alison Victoria

“Sometimes, I just light a match and whatever survives gets to stay.”

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Tarek El Moussa

“Add a towel rack to your linen closet. How did you not think of that, dumbass?”

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Emily Henderson

“An easy tip for anyone at home is to just leave their door ajar every time they leave the house. Eventually, strangers will come and declutter for you so that you don’t have to hire a whole crew.”

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Jasmine Roth

“Reclaim your garage as a storage space! You will need to drive out the raccoons, but word on the street is that there’s internal power struggles there you can leverage.”

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Hilary Farr

“If you don’t need it, flush it.”

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Ty Pennington

“Knock down walls to open up space. Once you start knocking down the exterior walls and the roof collapses, then everything opens up and the clutter melts away.”

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Shea and Syd McGee

“Every home could benefit from being spruced up by a third-party with a Netflix budget.”