SUITLAND, MD—Having “gotten the scoop” from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. “The majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirder side only continued to get edgier and funkier in 2018,” Census Bureau director Ron Jarmin wrote in his introduction to the 1,076-page report, which assessed all 20,000 U.S. cities and rated residential areas according to vital atmospheric intangibles such as “overall personality,” “chill factor,” and “bro-iness” throughout the year. “Our data also found, however, that many neighborhoods were susceptible to change in the coming decades, especially ones now considered ‘eclectic’ or ‘artsy.’ Unfortunately, given the degree to which many of those are currently populated with aging hipsters, we project they will be overrun with young professionals and working parents as early as 2020.” At press time, Jarmin added that, just as the Census Bureau had found in previous years, the suburbs once again remained a hellishly boring place to live.

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