Illustration for article titled CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking every possible step to ensure that you are all out of a job with no income or health insurance,” said Kleppen in a company-wide email to employees, explaining that he was exploring all avenues to over leverage investments, misappropriate funds, and implement new approaches to hemorrhage money with the goal of firing as many staffers as possible. “Believe me when I say if it were up to me, I would terminate every single one of you. It gives me no pleasure to keep you around. The absolute last thing we want to do is retain all of our staff during this crisis.” At press time, Kleppen was working around the clock to free up funds tied up in employee paychecks to secure his year-end bonus.

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