With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.
Advertisement
“They’re fine for now. If it gets way out of hand, one quick call and a Supreme Court case can make unions illegal in a month.”
Advertisement
“I’m not counting out another presidential run, so let me just say unions are bad and good.”
Advertisement
“Unions have fostered open dialogue with management, fair and equitable pay across the company, and high levels of employee morale, so, in all, a total nightmare.”
Advertisement
“Lucky for us, the kids who make our shoes are still too young to know what a union is.”
Advertisement
“As unions began sniffing around Tesla, I realized to truly save this planet I must eradicate all humanity, except for 20 women I can reproduce with and 500 additional nerds who love me and will therefore be of no sexual competition.”
Advertisement
“You see little kids come into our restaurants, and just the thought of our staff organizing makes them cry.”
Advertisement
“What do I think?! Look around you! All the stores are gone! They’re ashes! Fucking ashes!”
Advertisement
“Honestly, it really opened my eyes. I hadn’t realized that a living wage was important to people.”
Advertisement
“We had to spend a lot on anti-union ads and consultants, but at least that money didn’t go to the well-being or safety of employees.”
Advertisement
“Um, not sure. Do we still have employees?”
Advertisement
“It had a very negative impact on our employees’ salaries, in the sense that we fired everyone who tried to unionize.”
Advertisement
“I used to never think about my employees, but now I take time every day to hate them.”
Advertisement
“There’s never been a serious union drive, but I’m sure as an egomaniac billionaire with steroids exploding through his veins and a near-stranglehold on the industry, I’d take it pretty well.”
Advertisement
“It introduces a slow bureaucratic process where one is not needed. If you are having a problem in one of our warehouses, I encourage you to go to your manager so they can fire you directly.”
Advertisement
“Collective bargaining resulted in all GE facilities having an employee toilet. It’s located in our Schenectady plant.”
Advertisement
“Every time I want to fire a woman for getting pregnant, there’s this whole mountain of paperwork to fill out.”
Advertisement
“You’d be surprised how easy it is to bust a union when you know the organizers’ entire disgusting search history.”
Advertisement
“Not sure. I start tuning out once I hear the phrase ‘human rights.’”
Advertisement