CEOs Explain How They Are Celebrating Black History Month

“I am going to challenge myself to read 10 words written by Black authors this month.”

“I will temporarily desegregate the Metaverse.”

“I’m going to unban civil rights groups for a few days.”

“I don’t know, what, do you guys want, like, an all-Black Oreo or something?”

“Definitely something that is both offensive and inadvisable, that’s for sure.”

“We are honoring Black communities by polluting them even more with new factories.”

“We’re encouraging our private prison guards to go a little easier on the Black inmates.”

“The Walton family is pleased to announce they’ve adopted the first Black Walmart heir.”

“We’re opening up fake accounts using the names of prominent civil rights leaders.”

“Same thing I do every Black History Month: fly to my estate in the Seychelles on February 1 and fly back on March 1.”

“Oh, phew. I’m glad another one of these rolled around so I can deflect from the shit going on in Xinjiang.”

“I am going to take money away from Black employees, spend it on several big showy billboards making us seem like a diverse company, and then immediately lay off those Black employees.”

“In tribute to the activist Marcus Garvey, we’re putting a Pan-African flag on all the missiles we manufacture.”

“See, this is everyone’s problem. All we want to talk about is race, when in America, the more significant dimension of inequality to analyze is class, wherein I am also at moral fault for perpetuating oppression.”

“FUBU has no plans to honor Black people at this time. Thank you.”

“As one of a very few Black CEOs, I’m celebrating by not allowing any criticism of myself as an employer this month.”

“An animated short about like, I don’t know, a little girl growing up in Harlem in the 1920s from a talking saxophone’s point-of-view.”

“I’m going to subject our entire 70,000-person workforce to the most cringeworthy Black history PowerPoint you’ve ever seen. Misrepresented MLK quotes, urgings to read White Fragility, ham-fisted appeals to vague and totally unworkable notions of justice, attempts to relate Rosa Parks’ brave advocacy to Salesforce’s corporate goals—it’ll all be there. Our Black employees are going to be really uncomfortable.”

“Diversity tractor.”

“What are we going to do? What are we going to DO?!? Let me tell you what Google has ALREADY FUCKING DONE FOR BLACK PEOPLE, okay? We did an MLK Google Doodle. Multiple MLK Doodles, in fact. We did a Sojourner Truth Doodle. We did a Rosa Parks Doodle. We did a Juneteenth Doodle. We did an Audre Lorde Doodle, for fuck’s sake! B.B. King. Ida B. Wells. Langston Hughes. We did a Dorothy Height Doodle. No one even fucking knows who that is! You think anyone would know about Dorothy fucking Height without the Doodle? No. But the Doodle remembers. The Doodle remembers it all, and we at Google will not take any more BULLSHIT, because it’s never enough for you people, is it? No! No! To the African American community, I say: Your history wouldn’t be fucking anywhere without the Doodle! Do you realize how much goddamn lighthearted awareness we’ve brought to your cause? But of course we get NO CREDIT from the FUCKING MEDIA, who are IMPUGNING our GODDAMN DOODLES.”

“I am going to invite Bill Cosby into the office to do a Q and A with employees.”

“By highlighting all the amazing contributions and social progress that white women have made.”

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