CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights

Jeff Bezos, Amazon

“Any employee in our red state distribution facilities will be given up to five minutes to cross state lines and find the nearest abortion provider before returning to work.”

Kevin Johnson, Starbucks

“Starbucks will cover all expenses to fly unionized employees into the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”

Mary Barra, General Motors

“Probably just signing whatever bullshit statement about solidarity with women our PR team cooked up and letting it roll.”

Mike Bloomberg, Bloomberg LP

“Are you asking on behalf of normal people or the non-rich ones too?”

Chris Kempczinski, McDonald’s

“All I’m going to say is, a couple quarter-pounders will wipe out whatever’s going on in your internal organs, pregnant or otherwise.”

Marc Benioff, Salesforce

“I have no idea what my company does, so I can’t really answer this.”

Mark Zuckerberg, Meta

“I know the name of every woman who will need an abortion within the next five years, but I won’t reveal them unless I am paid a very hefty sum.”

Ted Christie, Spirit Airlines

“Should any of my employees become pregnant, I will promptly book them a flight to a state where abortion is legal on a more respectable airline.”

Safra Catz, Oracle

“I am donating heavily to Democrats who will fight for abortion rights. At the same time, I’m donating heavily to Republicans who will fight against abortion rights, but if you just read the first thing I said, it sounds pretty good.”

Jonah Peretti, Buzzfeed

“All employees who wish to have an abortion will be laid off so they can do so.”

Tim Cook, Apple

“Apple will be promptly deleting all data and removing predatory period trackers from the app store in favor me keeping track of everyone’s periods on a secure paper calendar in my office.”

Darius Adamczyk, Honeywell

“Fuck, I don’t know. Donate a fan to a women’s shelter or something?”

Steven A. Kandarian, MetLife

“Sadly, we cannot contribute to any abortion funds at this time. We’re still in the hole to the Charles Schulz estate for over $600,000.”

Tariq Farid, Edible Arrangements

“We can give women fruit baskets....will that help?”

Aubrey Marcus, Onnit

“Great question. The first thing I’m gonna do is wake up around 7 a.m. and have a light breakfast before I do my morning workout routine, then I meditate for an hour, after that I answer all my emails while I have another small meal, then it’s time for an hour of blue-sky free association...”

Scott Barnett, Bubba Gump Shrimp

“Two words: Vaginal shrimp.”

Brian Cornell, Target Corporation

“Fast and efficient low-cost medical care has always been a cornerstone of the Target shopping experience, and our enthusiastic team members stand ready and able to perform any number of outpatient surgeries at the Guest Services counter.”