ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.
“Huh, how did they get the words into the computer? I don’t understand this kind of stuff.”
“We’re already using it to draft very personalized and threatening eviction notices.”
“With the power of AI, our platform will be able to expand its ability to promote racism and threaten users’ safety by at least fivefold.”
“I’m going to give it an hour-long comedy special. Finally, an artist incapable of committing sexual assault.”
“We think A.I. will cultivate a personal human connection with consumers that our current customer service representatives seem to be lacking.”
“I have no choice but to steal it, acquire it, or destroy it.”
“Automated butter.”
“Should save us a lot of time writing those milquetoast form apology letters after every single oil spill.”
“One way or another, we’re going to find a way for you to eat AI.”
“Use it? We’re going to sue it out of existence for writing prompts in the voice of Donald Duck.”
“If it can’t throw out its back, I’m not interested.”
“We’ve been looking for a fourth word that starts with ‘B’ for years, and this could finally lead to a breakthrough.”
“Oh, I hadn’t even thought about that—uh, maybe…it could design where all the pizza toppings go?”
“We tried using ChatGPT to write the scripts for most of our videos, but it just couldn’t capture the sort of stilted, inhuman dialogue that we need.”
“I’m having ChatGPT bring the chickens back to life so I can ask them if there are more painful ways to kill them.”
“We already tried using ChatGPT to make the writing of our television programs better, but it was completely unsalvageable, even for the most capable AI.”
“I’m honestly just really lonely and need someone to talk to.”
“When we asked ChatGPT what to do about our workers, it told us to raise the minimum wage to $20 and give everyone health insurance, so we fired it.”
“I was made the CEO of this company three hours after I was announced, so I’d just keep things the same.”
“Luckily, this program does an amazing job drafting layoff emails, allowing us to consider people’s feelings even less.”