CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT

CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT

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ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.

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Tim Cook, Apple

Tim Cook, Apple

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“Huh, how did they get the words into the computer? I don’t understand this kind of stuff.”

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Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chase

Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chase

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“We’re already using it to draft very personalized and threatening eviction notices.”

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Elon Musk, Twitter

Elon Musk, Twitter

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“With the power of AI, our platform will be able to expand its ability to promote racism and threaten users’ safety by at least fivefold.”

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Ted Sarandos, Netflix

Ted Sarandos, Netflix

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“I’m going to give it an hour-long comedy special. Finally, an artist incapable of committing sexual assault.”

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Gary C. Kelly, Southwest Airlines

Gary C. Kelly, Southwest Airlines

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“We think A.I. will cultivate a personal human connection with consumers that our current customer service representatives seem to be lacking.”

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Sundar Pichai, Alphabet Inc.

Sundar Pichai, Alphabet Inc.

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“I have no choice but to steal it, acquire it, or destroy it.”

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Beth Ford, Land O’Lakes

Beth Ford, Land O’Lakes

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“Automated butter.”

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Darren Woods, ExxonMobil

Darren Woods, ExxonMobil

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“Should save us a lot of time writing those milquetoast form apology letters after every single oil spill.”

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Chris Kempczinski, McDonald’s

Chris Kempczinski, McDonald’s

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“One way or another, we’re going to find a way for you to eat AI.”

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Bob Iger, Disney

Bob Iger, Disney

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“Use it? We’re going to sue it out of existence for writing prompts in the voice of Donald Duck.”

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Andy Jassy, Amazon

Andy Jassy, Amazon

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“If it can’t throw out its back, I’m not interested.”

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Sue Gove, Bed Bath & Beyond

Sue Gove, Bed Bath & Beyond

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“We’ve been looking for a fourth word that starts with ‘B’ for years, and this could finally lead to a breakthrough.”

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Bill Wilson, Bill’s Pizza

Bill Wilson, Bill’s Pizza

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“Oh, I hadn’t even thought about that—uh, maybe…it could design where all the pizza toppings go?”

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Scott Montgomer, Pornhub

Scott Montgomer, Pornhub

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“We tried using ChatGPT to write the scripts for most of our videos, but it just couldn’t capture the sort of stilted, inhuman dialogue that we need.”

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Donnie D. King, Tyson

Donnie D. King, Tyson

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“I’m having ChatGPT bring the chickens back to life so I can ask them if there are more painful ways to kill them.”

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Kelly Campbell, Peacock

Kelly Campbell, Peacock

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“We already tried using ChatGPT to make the writing of our television programs better, but it was completely unsalvageable, even for the most capable AI.”

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Mark Zuckerberg, Meta

Mark Zuckerberg, Meta

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“I’m honestly just really lonely and need someone to talk to.”

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Doug McMillon, Walmart

Doug McMillon, Walmart

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“When we asked ChatGPT what to do about our workers, it told us to raise the minimum wage to $20 and give everyone health insurance, so we fired it.”

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ChatGPT-3, Hallmark

ChatGPT-3, Hallmark

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“I was made the CEO of this company three hours after I was announced, so I’d just keep things the same.”

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Marc Benioff, Salesforce

Marc Benioff, Salesforce

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“Luckily, this program does an amazing job drafting layoff emails, allowing us to consider people’s feelings even less.”

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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