CEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s Twitter

CEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s Twitter

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At least 50 of Twitter’s top 100 advertisers have left the platform since Elon Musk bought the social media site. The Onion asked prominent CEOs why their brands are no longer advertising on Twitter, and here’s what they said.

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Elon Musk (Tesla)

Elon Musk (Tesla)

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“Having known Musk my entire life, I can say he simply lacks the proper temperament and critical judgment to lead Twitter—let alone any of his other companies.”

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Chris Licht (CNN)

Chris Licht (CNN)

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“Musk is contributing to the rise of right-wing violence in America, and we at CNN feel like that’s competing too much with our brand.”

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Christian Meunier (Jeep)

Christian Meunier (Jeep)

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“The future of social networking is Jeep.com.”

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Albert Bourla (Pfizer)

Albert Bourla (Pfizer)

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“Twitter advertising was shown to cause brain bleeding in early clinical trials.”

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Larry Fink (BlackRock)

Larry Fink (BlackRock)

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“The BlackRock name is beloved. That’s not something we want to lose.”

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Tim Cook (Apple)

Tim Cook (Apple)

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“Honestly, Elon Musk aside, there’s just no reason to advertise the iPhone anymore because everyone already knows what it is.”

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Jeff Bezos (Amazon)

Jeff Bezos (Amazon)

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“If there’s one megalomaniac tech mogul who is going to empower white supremacists and throw the United States into a bloody, violent culture war, it’s going to be me.”

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Oliver Blume (Volkswagen)

Oliver Blume (Volkswagen)

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“We’re still on thin ice from all the World War II Nazi stuff.”

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Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

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“That’s where all the scary union thugs hang out.”

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Brian Niccol (Chipotle)

Brian Niccol (Chipotle)

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“We don’t want everything happening on Twitter to distract suburban whites from our mid-tier bastardizations of Mexican cuisine.”

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Rihanna (Fenty)

Rihanna (Fenty)

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“I just used up all my advertising budget on supporting a different multimillionaire sex offender.”

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Edward Lampert (Kmart)

Edward Lampert (Kmart)

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“We had no idea we were still in business, let alone putting out advertisements.”

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Sam Bankman-Fried (FTX)

Sam Bankman-Fried (FTX)

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“That place is a hellhole. You’d have to be out of your mind to be associated with it now.”

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Jeff Harmening (General Mills)

Jeff Harmening (General Mills)

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“We don’t have the data back yet, but we’re pretty sure breakfast is more of a meal for Facebook users.”

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Scott Kirby (United Airlines)

Scott Kirby (United Airlines)

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“I personally was offended by Musk copying our model of shamelessly providing terrible service.”

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Karl Malone (Karl Malone Used Toyota Dealership)

Karl Malone (Karl Malone Used Toyota Dealership)

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“I’m not sure why I was running nationwide social media ads in the first place when my customers are all in and around Draper, UT.”

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Robert M. Davis (Merck & Co.)

Robert M. Davis (Merck & Co.)

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“I just feel there are more effective ways to get regular people hooked on expensive pharmaceuticals than through Twitter.”

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Miguel Patricio (Kraft Heinz)

Miguel Patricio (Kraft Heinz)

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“Too tempting to make Mr. Peanut tweet the N-word.”

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Darren Woods (ExxonMobil)

Darren Woods (ExxonMobil)

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“We didn’t, we just changed our display name to ‘Blue Sky Green Earth Climate Initiative’ so more people would click.”

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Leena Nair (Chanel)

Leena Nair (Chanel)

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“I suspect Elon doesn’t wear our nice Chanel shirts, and if he’s not wearing our nice Chanel shirts, how can I believe that he’ll do a good job advertising our nice Chanel shirts?”

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Steve Cahillane (Kellogg’s)

Steve Cahillane (Kellogg’s)

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“Our in-house data found that under Musk there’s been an 800% rise in hate speech against our beloved Apple Jacks cereal.”

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Darius Adamczyk (Honeywell)

Darius Adamczyk (Honeywell)

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“What? I can’t hear you over my empire of box fans.”

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William G. Martin (Necco Wafers CEO)

William G. Martin (Necco Wafers CEO)

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“Necco Wafers needs to preserve its bad boy reputation as a brand that likes to say ‘fuck’ and ‘cum,’ and we can’t trust Elon not to ban us for that sort of stuff.”

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Michelle Gass (Kohl’s)

Michelle Gass (Kohl’s)

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“We’re taking our business to 8chan.”

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Mr. Bee (Bit-O-Honey CEO)

Mr. Bee (Bit-O-Honey CEO)

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“Moderation is key to revenue growth in social media platforms. We’ve seen this time and again. Free speech absolutism is not a meaningful position in this case, and seems to indicate an individual who has not clearly thought through such a position’s ramifications for the quality and character of online speech.”

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Jamie Dimon (Chase)

Jamie Dimon (Chase)

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“The last time I drove a Tesla it called me a pedophile and drove off a cliff.”

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Dirk Van de Put (Mondelez International)

Dirk Van de Put (Mondelez International)

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“Oreos are already the preferred cookie of avowed Nazis. We don’t need Twitter’s help solidifying that.”

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You’ve made it this far…

You’ve made it this far…

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