CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek

CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek

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While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said.

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Tim Cook (Apple)

Tim Cook (Apple)

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“My employees are beautiful, and every second that I spend not looking at them is absolute agony.”

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David M. Solomon (Goldman Sachs)

David M. Solomon (Goldman Sachs)

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“I wouldn’t want to strain my employees by making them cram all 80 hours of the workweek into four days.”

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Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

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“Studies show people with two days off tend to just get drunk and watch TV, but people with three days off tend to organize nationwide militant wildcat strikes.”

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Bob Iger (Disney)

Bob Iger (Disney)

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“If I only have enough work for one day, why should I be forced to work for three more?”

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Larry Ellison (Oracle)

Larry Ellison (Oracle)

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“Was all for it until I found out they expected to leave the factory at some point in those four days.”

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Bill Gates (The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation)

Bill Gates (The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation)

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“Shorter workweeks won’t bring my wife back.”

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Alon Matas (BetterHelp)

Alon Matas (BetterHelp)

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“Having more burnt-out, mentally ill people is better for business.”

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Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)

Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)

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“But that’s one less day people are forced to hang out with me.”

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Doug McMillon (Walmart)

Doug McMillon (Walmart)

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“Our employees are more than welcome to take time off from their second or third jobs.”

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Michele Buck (Hershey’s)

Michele Buck (Hershey’s)

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“God forbid our harvesters have the free time to get swept up as child soldiers.”

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Sundar Pichai (Alphabet)

Sundar Pichai (Alphabet)

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“I can understand needing time off because I have a family, but then what do all my workers need time off for?”

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Bob Dudley (BP)

Bob Dudley (BP)

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“Friday’s our busiest day for catastrophic oil spills.” ​

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Elon Musk (Twitter)

Elon Musk (Twitter)

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“That means the weekend gets longer and I have to spend more time with the kids when it’s my turn per the custody agreement.”

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Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan Chase)

Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan Chase)

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“If employees only come in Monday through Thursday, when exactly is casual Friday supposed to happen?”

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Dara Khosrowshahi (Uber)

Dara Khosrowshahi (Uber)

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“I’m good with a four-day workweek if the next workweek starts when the four days are up.”

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Marc Benioff (Salesforce)

Marc Benioff (Salesforce)

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“That would make the weekend like, what, 20 days? That’s way too much time off.”

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Andy Jassy (Amazon)

Andy Jassy (Amazon)

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“Breaking employees’ spirits requires them to work a minimum of five days each week.”

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Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway)

Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway)

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“What if the fifth day is your birthday? I don’t want you missing out on the office party. Come into work just in case.”

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