Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.
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“If you need him killed, I’m your gal.”
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“Luckily, no one that was me was hurt.”
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“Thank god no one really understands what it is we do, or we’d probably be in a similar boat.”
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“And to think, I trusted him with all of Fidelity’s clients’ money.”
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“Everyone hate him mean everyone more love me?”
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“You want me to feed him into the cow smusher? I bet he’d smush up real nice.”
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“I never say this, but he probably should have spent less time playing video games and more time covering his tracks.”
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“We’ll find him a job. We don’t check shit.”
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“Nothing beats the warm look of film to make your mug shots special.”
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“This is why it’s important to just play the slow and steady game of getting richer and richer through the widely accepted practice of planned obsolescence.”
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“I’ve always said that crypto is bullshit.”
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“He should have bought 5,000 units of handcuff keys from one of our many trusted vendors.”
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“Wow, that’s so crazy. So messed up. Anyways, I have to go to Russia now for a, uh, dentist appointment.”
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“He did what with whose asshole? Oh, he didn’t do anything like that? Sorry, I guess I zoned out and just let my mind wander.”
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“It pains me to say we’ve lost our horniest customer.”
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“Dibs! Dibs, dibs, dibs. Hulu, you heard that? Dibs.”
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“He just did what any of us wealthy sociopaths would have done.”
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“This is exactly why we keep polyamorous polycules within the family.”
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“Sorry, I still don’t know what these ‘consequences’ are that everyone seems to be into lately.”
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“I can’t think of anything more evil someone could do than steal money from investors.”
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“I repeatedly offered to smuggle him anywhere in the world in one of our special FedEx human trafficking boxes, and I bet now he’s wishing he took me up on it.”
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“I lost $50 million on an investment to make digital food with that guy.”
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“Oof, he’ll have a hard time finding a lawyer right now in the middle of corporate litigation season.”
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“It’s really too bad, we were this close to creating a monstrous crypto-pharmaceutical industry hybrid that would cause more problems than the world has ever seen.”
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“Pizza pizza.”
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“So that’s why we saw searches for ‘extradition laws’ shoot up in the Bahamas last week.”
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“Should have been smart and stuck to fucking children on Epstein’s plane.”
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