CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.

Advertisement

Marillyn Hewson (Lockheed Martin)

Marillyn Hewson (Lockheed Martin)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“If you need him killed, I’m your gal.”

Advertisement

Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan Chase)

Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan Chase)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Luckily, no one that was me was hurt.”

Advertisement

Safra Catz (Oracle)

Safra Catz (Oracle)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Thank god no one really understands what it is we do, or we’d probably be in a similar boat.”

Advertisement

Abigail Johnson (Fidelity Investments)

Abigail Johnson (Fidelity Investments)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“And to think, I trusted him with all of Fidelity’s clients’ money.”

Advertisement

Elon Musk (Twitter)

Elon Musk (Twitter)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Everyone hate him mean everyone more love me?”

Advertisement

John Tyson (Tyson Foods)

John Tyson (Tyson Foods)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“You want me to feed him into the cow smusher? I bet he’d smush up real nice.”

Advertisement

Bobby Kotick (Activision Blizzard)

Bobby Kotick (Activision Blizzard)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“I never say this, but he probably should have spent less time playing video games and more time covering his tracks.”

Advertisement

Marc Benioff (Salesforce)

Marc Benioff (Salesforce)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“We’ll find him a job. We don’t check shit.”

Advertisement

Jeff Clarke (Kodak)

Jeff Clarke (Kodak)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Nothing beats the warm look of film to make your mug shots special.”

Advertisement

Tim Cook (Apple CEO)

Tim Cook (Apple CEO)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“This is why it’s important to just play the slow and steady game of getting richer and richer through the widely accepted practice of planned obsolescence.”

Advertisement

Brian Armstrong (Coinbase)

Brian Armstrong (Coinbase)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“I’ve always said that crypto is bullshit.”

Advertisement

Daniel Zhang (Alibaba)

Daniel Zhang (Alibaba)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“He should have bought 5,000 units of handcuff keys from one of our many trusted vendors.”

Advertisement

Changpeng Zhao (Binance)

Changpeng Zhao (Binance)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Wow, that’s so crazy. So messed up. Anyways, I have to go to Russia now for a, uh, dentist appointment.”

Advertisement

Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)

Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“He did what with whose asshole? Oh, he didn’t do anything like that? Sorry, I guess I zoned out and just let my mind wander.”

Advertisement

Whitney Wolfe Herd (Bumble)

Whitney Wolfe Herd (Bumble)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“It pains me to say we’ve lost our horniest customer.”

Advertisement

Reed Hastings (Netflix)

Reed Hastings (Netflix)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Dibs! Dibs, dibs, dibs. Hulu, you heard that? Dibs.”

Advertisement

Satya Nadella (Microsoft)

Satya Nadella (Microsoft)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“He just did what any of us wealthy sociopaths would have done.”

Advertisement

Charles Koch (Koch Industries)

Charles Koch (Koch Industries)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“This is exactly why we keep polyamorous polycules within the family.”

Advertisement

Albert Bourla (Pfizer)

Albert Bourla (Pfizer)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Sorry, I still don’t know what these ‘consequences’ are that everyone seems to be into lately.”

Advertisement

Richard Sackler (Purdue Pharma)

Richard Sackler (Purdue Pharma)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“I can’t think of anything more evil someone could do than steal money from investors.”

Advertisement

Frederick Smith (FedEx)

Frederick Smith (FedEx)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“I repeatedly offered to smuggle him anywhere in the world in one of our special FedEx human trafficking boxes, and I bet now he’s wishing he took me up on it.”

Advertisement

Rodney McMullen (Kroger)

Rodney McMullen (Kroger)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“I lost $50 million on an investment to make digital food with that guy.”

Advertisement

Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway)

Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Oof, he’ll have a hard time finding a lawyer right now in the middle of corporate litigation season.”

Advertisement

Giovanni Caforio (Bristol Myers Squibb)

Giovanni Caforio (Bristol Myers Squibb)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“It’s really too bad, we were this close to creating a monstrous crypto-pharmaceutical industry hybrid that would cause more problems than the world has ever seen.”

Advertisement

David Scrivano (Little Caesars)

David Scrivano (Little Caesars)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Pizza pizza.”

Advertisement

Sundar Pichai (Google)

Sundar Pichai (Google)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“So that’s why we saw searches for ‘extradition laws’ shoot up in the Bahamas last week.”

Advertisement

Bill Gates (Formerly Microsoft)

Bill Gates (Formerly Microsoft)

Image for article titled CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried

“Should have been smart and stuck to fucking children on Epstein’s plane.”

Advertisement

You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse

Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs

What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

Back To Homepage

Advertisement