SMYRNA, DE—Sighing to himself because it seemed so obvious in retrospect, local 7-year-old Elijah Adelwright confirmed Thursday he had always assumed that if ever got abducted, it would be by a guy like this. “Well, of course this is my kidnapper—just look at him,” the second-grader said of the skittish, partially balding middle-aged man who wheezed as he came over to him in the playground and asked if he liked Paw Patrol. “Yeah, nothing really shocking about this one. The sad sack hanging around the park with a backpack full of Skittles and Dr Pepper turns out to be a child predator. Go figure. The universe isn’t exactly throwing me a curve ball with this one.” At press time, the boy was reportedly rolling his eyes as he imagined how the abductor would probably drone on and on about not getting enough love as a child as a rationale for molesting him.
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