COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time. “Sweetie, don’t worry, you’re not going to die until years and years from now,” said Eli’s mother Denise Heffernan, 40, who sources confirmed further terrified her son by informing him that death is completely natural and eventually happens to everyone. “Someday we’ll die, but that’s just a part of life. And even Grandma won’t die until you’re much older, okay? Now, get some sleep and try not to think about it.” At press time, reports indicated Eli was lying wide-awake in the darkness of his room calculating exactly how old he would be when he died.
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