With Republicans critical of recent bills enforcing minimum age requirements for marriage, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why child marriage should be legal and this is what they said.
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“How the hell else am I supposed to find a wife?”
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“Being a child bride was great! I’m 28 now and I’ve never had to make a single decision in my life!”
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“Most of the girls I meet are at work.”
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“Helping my wife deal with her first period is one of my proudest moments as a husband.”
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“I peaked socially, physically, and mentally as a child. Why should people have to wait beyond that to marry?”
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“Outside of banning contraception, marriage is one of the best ways to control women. It just doesn’t make sense that we wouldn’t extend that to the most vulnerable female population out there.”
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“Love is love.”
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“How else am I to acquire more land, a better title, and higher social status?”
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“The best person to protect a child from groomers is her husband.”
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“I need to make an honest woman out of the 11-year-old I got pregnant.”
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“I have a lot of great ideas for a sophisticated playground wedding.”
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“If Mary married Joseph when she was a child, then why can’t I buy the 12-year-old next door for $900?”
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“They love shiny objects. Just make sure they don’t swallow their rings.”
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“Look, it’s either we marry children or get to keep collecting and prominently displaying Nazi memorabilia. Liberals need to make a choice.”
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“Only loose women get a period.”
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“I wanna marry my mom and I’m never going to feel different!”
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“I always wanted to marry a gun, but if I can’t, a child is the next best thing.”
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“Well, I’ve recently started seeing someone.”
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“I’m going to molest them anyway. Might as well give them a party at least.”
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