RALEIGH, NC—Emphasizing that he was just looking for a nice pup to give a quiet, loving home, childless uncle Frank Felton reportedly announced his plans Tuesday to get a third incredibly fucked up dog. “Well, I’ve had Ginger here for 14 years, and Coco for 16, so I think whoever I adopt would fit right in,” said Felton, who then showed reporters several applications for potential dogs who were blind, incontinent, arthritic, aggressive, missing an eye, required expensive medications, or only had three legs. “Hell, Ginger only has three teeth left and can’t control her damn bladder. And Coco has some kind of dementia, and bites me every time I try to pet her. Oh! I like the look of that deaf Chihuahua with a skin disease. I think I’ll call her Pippa.” At press time, Felton had already started a $15,000 GoFundMe for the dog, who ate one of his socks and immediately had a seizure.
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