Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.
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“I think colleges will be impressed I survived being sucked into an industrial loom.”
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“I go slaughterhouse?”
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“I’m sure the same states allowing kids the freedom to work will also allow us the freedom to join a labor union.”
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“I’m not 5 anymore. Time to start earning my keep.”
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“My mom says this law is only for kids who don’t live in the governor’s mansion.”
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“So I’m allowed to go to how many Disney auditions per day now?”
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“Normally I wouldn’t want a job, but I need that money to help raise the baby the state’s forcing me to have.”
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“My childhood was lasting too long as it was.”
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“I think you’ll find that I have all the requisite experience for any open princess positions.”
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“It will be interesting to see whether I get shot at school or work first.”
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“This means I’ll have more time to play with my rock friends when I’m down in the mine shaft.”
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“Good. I’m sick of being a leech on society.”
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“CEOs will be happy to know that we won’t be fighting for a four-day workweek since most of us can’t count that high yet.”
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“Killing bugs was always a hobby of mine, but working at the slaughterhouse? That’s the dream.”
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“It really scares me, because I worry my employer won’t have sufficient liability protections.”
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“Why should I have to wait another three years to experience workplace sexual harassment?”
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“All the big kids are working doubles, so why can’t I?”
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“Anything to get me away from my bitch of a wife.”
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