SANTA MONICA, CA—Noting his upbeat tone of voice and the way he gave everyone he passed a showy little “good morning,” coworkers of local claims adjuster Ken Wohlen confirmed to reporters Monday that the insufferably chipper man must have eaten breakfast today like some big shot. “From the moment he walked through the door this morning, Ken has been strutting around smiling at people like he's some bigwig who started his day with a meal,” said fellow employee Kristen Farrar, who admitted to reporters she had only eaten a stale granola bar from her purse this morning as she sat hunched low in her cubicle trying to avoid any contact with the good-natured Wohlen. “Don’t even get me started on the pompous way he asked how my kids are doing or how cheerfully he wished the office manager a happy birthday—it’s infuriating. Someone really needs to take that breakfast-eating hotshot down a peg.” At press time, the highfalutin show-off was reportedly further exasperating his colleagues by staying fully alert and speaking up during a departmental meeting.

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