Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date

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CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm to hold onto as he dragged her to the trunk of his car, bowing slightly as he gestured for her to get inside. “After you, my dear—I insist. Can I get you anything? Some duct tape for your mouth, perhaps? You don’t think I’d make a gorgeous woman like you affix your own restraints, do you? Women always say they never meet nice guys, but there are still plenty of well-mannered gentlemen like me out there on the hunt for a special lady to abduct.” According to sources, Forsyth then politely laid his coat down over a puddle of blood and tossed his date into the back of his car, making sure her bound limbs were out of the way before gently closing the latch.