The college years are a pivotal time in a person's life, not to mention a major financial investment. Here are some tips to help you choose the right school:
- You can never go wrong choosing a college you saw advertised on public transportation.
- There are many fine single-sex colleges where the emphasis is squarely on academics. Attend one of these only if you are a homosexual.
- Examine the school's official crest. If it has a big pot leaf in the center, you are on the right track.
- Find a college that will nurture your talents. For example, if you have an aptitude for dressing up in drag, penning witty quatrains, and awarding celebrities prizes as a way to draw attention to yourself, you may want to consider Harvard.
- If you fail to get accepted at a good school, you have brought shame upon not only yourself, but also your entire family. Committing ritual seppuku is the only way to save face.
- Schools that boast about their outstanding academic reputation are probably insecure about their inadequacies in other areas.
- The Armed Forces Scholarship Program is a great way to earn a considerable amount of money toward college, but it has a small "joining the goddamn army" downside.
- When consulting Playboy's annual party-school rankings, be sure to look closely at the students-per-hot-tub ratio.
- Be wary of colleges where the chair of the history department keeps using the phrase "olden times."
- If you are having a hard time deciding between Princeton and Yale, cry me a fucking river, Fauntleroy.
- Avoid colleges where the previous year's commencement speaker was Burt Ward.
- College? Aw, man, what are you thinking about college for? You're the best metal guitarist in Winneshiek County.