Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.


First, decide which type of dog hair you want to stick to everything you own for the rest of your life.

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Find a reputable breeder who is certified by the American Kennel Club and truly cares about the purity of the canine master race.


Do some research into which breeds have the highest resale value.


A collie is a great choice for families with particularly dim-witted kids who keep falling down holes.

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Many shelter dogs have abandonment issues, so don’t get one of those.


Be sure to ask the pet store which breeds are least likely to chew on their genitals while company is over.

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If you’re looking for a dog to provide personal protection, you should really just get a gun.


Older dogs might suffer from glaucoma or arthritis, so if you want to adopt an older pet, make sure to remind everybody that you’re a paragon of altruism most people could never even aspire to.

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Get one with a spot if you plan on naming it Spot.


If you are allergic to dogs, don’t worry: Your local shelter will be glad to show you any number of hairless monstrosities.

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Whatever breed you decide on, make sure the dog you choose is cute enough to save your failing, loveless relationship.