With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.
Charter Schools
For the same price as a public school, these institutions can provide the same racial and economic discrimination as private schools
European Boarding School
Though it’s unaffordable for most parents, those who can send their children away to study in Europe often say that it helped them finally secure the full attention of the little brats’ tycoon father
Homeschooling
This alternative education model ensures you can focus on the subjects you think are most important for your child, such as wearing floor-length denim skirts
Online School
The ideal option for kids who, between chores, kickball, and going to the park, never thought they could make full-time grade school work
Tuff Pup Academy
With top-of-the-line instructors and a rigorous workload of sitting, staying, and shaking, this technical school is a great option
Military School
We’re sorry to hear that it’s come to this
The Same One Their Brother Went To
With a curriculum that seemed to be just fine for him, parents are increasingly sending their children to the school down the street that Brendan graduated from last year
Reeducation Camp
The perfect environment for difficult pupils struggling with the correct way of thinking
Math Immersion School
In order to impart a rigorous and well-rounded math education, students are only permitted to speak in numbers and equations
Montessori School
A slightly more supervised version of letting your kid wander around in a field from 8 until 3 every day
Public School
Hey, you might as well take advantage of this while it still exists