Many public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public schools, and this is what they said.
“We have to ensure their souls are saved before the next school shooting.”
“Just seems like common-sense theocratic fascism to me.”
“Education really interferes with my messaging.”
“How are our kids going to survive in the job market if they don’t know who Lucius of Cyrene is?”
“If they don’t learn Christianity in school, they’re just going to learn it on the streets.”
“Like Christ from on high uttered unto his disciples: Convert that teen, stack that green.”
“Every time someone types 80,085 into a calculator to spell ‘boobs,’ the devil is at work. Christ’s soldiers must be there to answer him.”
“We’re always looking for new kids to molest.”
“I can’t bear the thought of my child graduating with an accurate understanding of science and history.”
“I got married at 24. My husband works all day and doesn’t talk to me. I’m not allowed to have a job. I’m annoying about this issue just to prove I exist.”
“America was founded on forcing children to believe weird things.”
“Without Christianity in schools, education would just run wild.”
“Kids don’t have a right to separation of church and state till they’re 18.”
“Most public school’s textbooks are several decades old, so what’s the harm from teaching a book from several thousand years ago?”
“The Bible doesn’t teach any of that woke, historical nonsense like ‘slavery was bad.’”
“I would homeschool my son, to educate him in the teachings of Jesus Christ, but alas, he hates my fucking guts.”
“It’s harder to brainwash them once they’re older.”