SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for YouTubers to mine for views,” said mayor London Breed, explaining that officials hoped to create a space that makes it easy for 17-year-olds with GoPros to make viral videos with titles like “we discover an ABANDONED tunnel (WARNING: creepy!).” “We are spending $120 million to outfit these new tunnels with rusty ladders, broken pipe fixtures, and ominous graffiti, in order to ensure they serve as the perfect grisly environment for creating content where someone blubbers ‘What was that, dude?!’ after hearing a strange sound. We’ll also be outfitting the underground passages with macabre easter eggs like a bloody hammer or an old set of baby clothes, so these vloggers have something dramatic to reveal to their subscribers after an ad break.” At press time, San Francisco offiicals announced plans to attract more vloggers by razing low income housing units to make space for 50 new abandoned insane asylums.
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