NEW YORK—Noting that the structures along the city’s sidewalks had adopted technology that appeared to come from at least 200 years in the future, local restaurant patrons observed Monday that outdoor dining solutions were now the most technologically advanced aspect of human civilization. “Since autumn, patio service has progressed from mere heat lamps to a pop-up tent over your table to a fully sterilized, negative-pressure geodesic dome that glows gently as it hovers 20 feet above the sidewalk,” said Brooklyn resident Sarah Lefferts, who added that she still enjoyed stopping by her neighborhood coffee shop, where her daily cappuccino and scone now materialize before her as she floats freely in a zero-gravity dining chamber for one. “It’s amazing. Each morning, my server, who is a beam of light, bathes me in virus-inactivating gamma particles before I place my order. Sure, you’re in an enclosed space, which isn’t great for a disease like Covid that can spread through the air, but pretty soon every bar and café will have the technology to clone and replace all their customers who die from the virus.” Lefferts went on to state that restaurants’ outdoor heating solutions had also advanced far beyond the rest of civilization, and were now capable of launching diners directly into the sun.
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