CARSON CITY, NV—Frightened for their lives despite the disappointing blandness of the murders, local residents told reporters Tuesday that they were terrorized but frankly unimpressed by a serial killer who has merely been shooting his victims. “For two months now, I’ve lived in constant worry for myself and my family, but come on, couldn’t this maniac be a bit more creative than just walking up and pulling a trigger?” said Carson City resident Susan Birken, acknowledging that she wished the madman causing her to check the locks on her doors and windows 10 times before bed had just the tiniest bit of panache. “If you’re going to kill a dozen innocent people and cause widespread panic throughout our community, at least have enough imagination to do something cool and ritualistic, or maybe leave body parts at different places around town according to some mysterious pattern—I mean, there hasn’t been a single cryptic Bible verse written in blood anywhere at all. But don’t get me wrong, even if it’s from a boring little hole in my chest, I’m still petrified of being his next victim.” At press time, residents said they’ll breathe a sigh of relief when the killer is finally captured and hoped, if nothing else, that police will find some really crazy shit in a journal.

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