CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever sports moment.
"When I saw there were just two minutes left on the clock and there was no way LeBron could turn it around, I admit it—I started crying for pure joy," said emotionally misguided Cavaliers fan Randall Peterman, who watched the game on a huge projector screen in Gateway Plaza alongside thousands of other jubilant fans, all of whom seemed unaware that their feelings of triumph-by-proxy revealed deep flaws in their outlook not only on sports, but on life as a whole. “I am more proud of my hometown tonight than I have ever been.”
"This one's for the whole city [of Cleveland]," added Peterman, by all indications unaware of the shamefully absurd implications of appropriating another city's sports championship for one's own out of overblown, inarticulate feelings of betrayal. “Let’s go Mavs! Let’s go Mavs!”
Across the city, in bars and at Finals-watching parties, Cleveland sports fans erupted in a psychologically stunted caricature of joy at the sight of James, their former hero, slumped over in defeat. The celebration reportedly grew even sadder as Cleveland fans began referring to the Dallas team as the “Mavaliers,” and became almost impossible to bear after the erection of a billboard on Ohio’s Interstate 480 that said, “Congratulations, Mavericks.”
As of press time, no Cleveland resident has apologized for acting like an immature child.
"Eleven months ago, when that classless jerk had his TV special to announce he was taking his talent to South Beach, I swore I would cheer against him for the rest of my life," said bartender Michelle Vlasik, who seemed unaware that her response to James' move was at least as juvenile and self-defeating as anything James himself had done. "Ask anyone here tonight and they'll tell you they feel the same way."
“This completely makes up for Jordan’s shot over Ehlo,” Vlasic added in reference to a basketball game that actually involved the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Sources confirmed official responses from the Cleveland area have been just as spiritually bereft. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had expected James to bring his team a championship, issued a statement that read, "This proves there are no shortcuts—none," as if the hard work put in by Dallas had been that of his own struggling organization. Moreover, Ohio governor John Kasich named the Mavericks honorary Ohioans with the issuing of a resolution as self-defeating as it was nonbinding.
"You have no idea how good it feels to be a Cleveland sports fan right now," said Gov. Kasich, to all appearances unaware of how condemning his statement was for a city that is home to three major sports franchises, none of which are directly responsible for the joy currently being experienced by said fans. “The people of Cleveland [seriously need to grow up and just get the fuck over it already].”
Though it has been five days since Dallas won the championship, fans across Cleveland have continued to react the way people would if their own team had won. Sales of merchandise for the Mavericks, a franchise located 1,000 miles away, is outselling Cavaliers apparel throughout Ohio. In addition, local hospitals have announced the birth of several baby boys named Dirk, and even a baby girl named Nowitzkee—all named after a man who has played basketball in the city of Cleveland maybe 20 times in his career, always on the opposing team.
Reports also indicated that grown men and women, unaware of what their bitter, shriveled souls have been reduced to, continued to high-five their coworkers at the mere mention of a young man losing a basketball championship.
"This is what Cleveland fans have been waiting for," Peterman said in a statement that is just jaw-droppingly sad. "We wouldn't have been able to bear the idea of LeBron winning a championship somewhere else, because that would mean he was right to leave Cleveland. And if this celebration proves anything, it’s that he definitely made a mistake.”