OWENSBORO, KY—Taking all necessary measures to reinforce his cherished beliefs ahead of the impending storm, local climate change denier Michael Dunn reportedly spent Friday battening down his worldview to help weather Hurricane Irma. “This could be the big one that completely destroys my position that climate change is a government conspiracy,” said Dunn, who sources confirmed had fortified his stance that global warming was merely a scheme by climatologists for research funding and hastily stockpiled pseudo-scientific reports from the internet claiming that excess CO2 is good for the environment. “All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I’ve done enough to protect my ideology from being completely leveled by this storm. I hate to say it, but I’m preparing for the worst.” At press time, Dunn was reportedly praying this hurricane was just another act of God’s vengeance against homosexuality.
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