GENEVA—Confirming that carbon emissions are on track to meet its ambitious goals, the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change released a report Tuesday that found humanity’s ongoing plot to kill the emperor penguin by heating the planet was going exactly as planned. “We have every reason to believe that human civilization will succeed in its centuries-long plan to wipe this horrible species off the face of the earth,” the report read in part, explaining how the scheme had proceeded on schedule since 1760, when widespread disgust with penguins inspired world leaders and titans of commerce to launch the industrial revolution and thereby stimulate the production of greenhouse gases. “We knew when we started out that it would be a challenge to meet our goal of reducing this idiotic flightless bird’s population to zero, but everyone is playing their part and we are making great strides. Credit goes not only to the powerful interests that ensure we continue to burn fossil fuels, but to the ordinary citizens who have dramatically changed their lifestyles in order to help eradicate the most hated creature on our planet.” Responding to criticism that it was only paying lip service to the cause of killing emperor penguins, the U.N. issued a statement that said it was melting sea ice as fast as it could and would “drown those fuckers one by one” if necessary.
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