GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action, scientists representing the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change confirmed Monday that there was still time left to blow up the Earth before irreversible global warming condemned humanity to slow extinction. “By destroying our planet in a nuclear maelstrom now, we can prevent the undue suffering that will otherwise characterize the next century,” said IPCC chairman Hoesung Lee, adding that a mere thousand nuclear weapons strategically placed at crucial active geothermal sites across the globe might be enough to inundate the planet in white-hot magma, putting a merciful end to the failed experiment known as man. “We have the technology to do this, but it won’t be easy, and we have to act immediately. We believed we’d have at least another century to blow up the Earth, but if the human race is to prevent ecological catastrophe, we need to start yesterday. I, for one, don’t want to have to look my grandchildren in the eyes someday and say I could have blown up the hellish world they’re forced to inhabit but chose not to. That would be the height of selfishness.” Lee then presented a series of terrifying mockups of satellite images depicting what a tragically intact Earth might look like in 2040 and beyond.
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