CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct

Illustration for article titled CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conductem/em

NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking these women’s commendations very seriously,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker of the claims that the network’s lead anchor had had erotic, but always considerate, interactions with women deliberately well outside his department, making sure to receive enthusiastic consent at every step before ultimately bringing each of the women to a shuddering climax. “While some have said that Wolf’s thoughtfulness and generosity as a lover were something of an open secret at CNN, I want to assure the public that I was only made aware of these qualities very recently, after he voluntarily reported his newest relationship to Human Resources.” At press time, CNN had announced that, effective immediately, The Situation Room With Wolf Blitzer would be expanded to three hours per night.

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