Illustration for article titled CNN Technicians Rush To Empty Wolf Blitzer’s Urine Tank Midway Through Election Coverage

NEW YORK—Noting that the storage canister had nearly reached capacity, CNN technicians reportedly rushed to empty Wolf Blitzer’s urine tank Tuesday night midway through the network’s election coverage. “All right, people, it’s go time—we need to release the pressure valves and drain this thing now, because the clock is ticking,” said head technician Raymond Harrington, prompting his crew of assistants to assume their designated positions around the 12-gallon stainless-steel vat before discharging the liquid contents into an off-camera waste container while Blitzer delivered a long stretch of uninterrupted state-level voting analysis. “Easy does it. Be careful of splashback. That stuff is hot. Okay, now make sure all urine lines are clear before closing the runoff spigot.” At press time, an unforeseen leak in the urine tank had forced CNN technicians to sequester Blitzer in an isolated containment unit and evacuate the set during a commercial break.


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