NEW YORK—Highlighting the man’s trustworthiness, even temperament, and overall decency, Wall Street broker Simon Hansen revealed to reporters Monday that his cocaine dealer, Tim Arndt, is easily the most upstanding person he knows. “Tim’s a real professional, no question—he’s the only person I know who’s always there for me when I need him—but what really sets him apart is what a good guy he is,” said the Goldman Sachs financial specialist, admitting that of all the colleagues, clients, and acquaintances he interacts with in Lower Manhattan, the man who regularly supplies him with narcotics is, by and large, the most genuine and unselfish person in his life. “I have some coworkers and a few buddies from other firms that I like hanging out with, but if I had to point to one person as the most honest and dependable in my life, I really would have to say Tim. He’s just straightforward and treats you with respect, and doesn’t go behind anyone’s back or anything. I can’t say I’ve met too many people like that.” At press time, Hansen was attempting to pay Arndt only $50 for $80-worth of cocaine and pocket the rest of the cash for himself.

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