SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that “coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression.” “Welcome to Starbucks, you fucking bourgeois pig,” said barista Alexandra Balvin, delivering the greeting in lockstep with 180,000 Starbucks workers across the nation who were suddenly sporting camouflage-printed aprons, hanging up Che Guevara posters, and writing “Imperialist Swine” or “AmeriKKKan” on customers’ coffee cups. “Can I interest you in one of our Ultra Caramel Frappuccinos? The coffee is all sourced from oppressed bean pickers exploited by the same capitalist forces that allow you to spend on a single beverage what they make during an entire week of grueling physical labor. Don’t feel pressured to buy anything, though. You’re welcome to just sit at a table or use the bathroom to wash the blood of the working class off your hands.” At press time, sources confirmed baristas at approximately 8,000 Starbucks locations were overturning tables and throwing them through plate-glass windows to notify customers that stores would be closing in 15 minutes.
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