Illustration for article titled Coleman Unveils New Slowly Leaking Air Mattress For House Guests Who Won’t Take A Hintem/em

WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this mattress to guarantee that after two or three uncomfortable nights, any guest overstaying their welcome will leave with mild to moderate back pain,” said Coleman spokesperson Jana Penn, adding that the new mattress comes with a custom-dilating pinprick feature allowing customers to tailor the degree of discomfort to the specific irritant level of any given guest. “Adjustable pneumatic outflow levels allow guests to either sink at an excruciatingly gradual rate through the mattress, waking up as an achy hot dog in a soggy bun, or to feel their joints crack against the floor after only a few tosses and turns. With the SinkRest family of products, overtaxed hosts can be confident that after a few nights of tossing and turning, clueless guests will have no choice but to realize they’d be better off at a motel.” To commemorate the excruciating portable bed’s introduction, those buying any size SinkRest mattress in the next 60 days will receive a thin, scratchy blanket free of charge.

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