Common Lies Your Doctor Will See Right Through

Common Lies Your Doctor Will See Right Through

PublishedAugust 2, 2021

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Except for the ones who botch surgeries or misdiagnose cancers, doctors aren’t stupid. Here are the most common white lies everyone tells medical professionals that your doctor can see right through.

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“I quit smoking.”

“I quit smoking.”

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Not only can the doctor smell smoke emanating from your body, but they also bummed a cigarette from you on the sidewalk five minutes ago.

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“I’m holding this rash for a friend.”

“I’m holding this rash for a friend.”

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You might’ve caught it from another person, but no way you’re just keeping an eye on it until they get back from vacation.

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“I’ve only had 500 sex partners this year.”

“I’ve only had 500 sex partners this year.”

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When you underestimate the number of sexual partners you have to avoid embarrassment, you could actually be affecting your doctor’s ability to property diagnose and treat you.

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“This leg was broken when I got it.”

“This leg was broken when I got it.”

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Any repairs necessary will be deducted from your security deposit.

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“I can’t do the treatment, it will literally bankrupt me.”

“I can’t do the treatment, it will literally bankrupt me.”

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Your doctor isn’t stupid. The 12-week antiviral course is only $16,000.

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“I haven’t done any drugs since Whitesnake’s bus in 1989.”

“I haven’t done any drugs since Whitesnake’s bus in 1989.”

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Doctors hear this once a week and know it’s impossible so many people were on the heavy metal band’s “Slip of the Tongue” tour.

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“I am naked, and it just looks like I’m wearing clothes.”

“I am naked, and it just looks like I’m wearing clothes.”

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It’s understandable that you don’t want to take your shirt off, but medical professionals know when their patient is naked or not.

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“I am not currently eating potato chips.”

“I am not currently eating potato chips.”

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Your doctor can see you, man.

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“I saw 9/11 from my house.”

“I saw 9/11 from my house.”

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You were in what, middle school? Who are you trying to impress?

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“Sorry I’m late, I had a doctor’s appointment.”

“Sorry I’m late, I had a doctor’s appointment.”

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Works for almost everything else, but remember not to try it here.

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“Huh? What did you say? Sorry, I wasn’t listening, haha, that happens sometimes. I have this strange, I don’t know what to call it...deficit? With my attention? Is that a thing? Anyway, what did you say?”

“Huh? What did you say? Sorry, I wasn’t listening, haha, that happens sometimes. I have this strange, I don’t know what to call it...deficit? With my attention? Is that a thing? Anyway, what did you say?”

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If you want Adderall, just ask for it.

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“I’m an organ donor.”

“I’m an organ donor.”

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Prove it right now on this operating table.

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“This is my urine.”

“This is my urine.”

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They saw you just slip the receptionist $20.

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“Any exotic genital piercings you might encounter are completely accidental.”

“Any exotic genital piercings you might encounter are completely accidental.”

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Doctors don’t care, and, besides, you’ll never convince them you slipped on a pile of urethra hoops.

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“You are not a doctor.”

“You are not a doctor.”

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Any doctor worth their salt knows that they are indeed a doctor.

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“It’s not what you think. Dr. Fulmer is just a friend”

“It’s not what you think. Dr. Fulmer is just a friend”

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An M.D. always knows when their patient is getting a second opinion behind their back.

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“I don’t have any plans of harming myself.”

“I don’t have any plans of harming myself.”

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Listen pal, we all do.

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“I am in so much pain.”

“I am in so much pain.”

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Doctors know you’re just being dramatic in order to get their love and attention, and they’re not falling for it.

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“I am never going to die.”

“I am never going to die.”

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Actually, according to the hospital, your heart stopped three days ago.

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