Common Mistakes Everyone Makes During Job Interviews

Don’t give the impression you’re only interested in a paycheck.

Even if a workplace has a casual dress code, it’s important to show up looking like a professional baseball player.

Make sure you come up with responses before the interview. For example, if the interviewer asks, “Where did you work before this?” you could respond “Fuck you, boss man!” And if he were to ask, “What do you envision yourself doing here?” you could respond “Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, boss man? Get off your high horse, you son of a bitch, and, hey, while you’re at it you can go fuck yourself!”

There’s no faster way to blow a job interview than to express your belief that you have inherent worth as a person and are deserving of basic dignity and respect.

Although it’s good to appear outgoing, you’ll want to start the day off with a firm handshake, not with your future boss’s wristwatch halfway down your gullet.

58% of employers say they’ve caught job applicants in a lie simply because the interviewee didn’t take the time to commit their fabricated life to memory.

While an actual sexual advance would be unwelcome, most recruiters expect at least some interest in their intimate relations and potential solutions if any intimacy issues are present.

Despite the fact it’s almost impossible to conceive of how the interviewer’s skinny neck is able to hold up that massive noggin, it’s better to focus on the actual job you’re applying for instead.

This type of behavior might have flown a couple decades ago, but today, being Woody Allen is almost guaranteed to stop you from landing the job.

Many people know the importance of arriving on time, but they may not realize it’s also considered unprofessional to continue sitting in the employer’s office long after the interview has concluded.

Keeping your mental stamina up with a proper diet is important, but try a softer food, like pudding or yogurt, so you can actually hear all of the interview questions.

Man or woman, if your shirt is too thick for an interviewer to make out your nipples, they’ll wonder what else you’re hiding.

Many applicants allow the interviewer to sit there wondering if their snake is venomous or aggressive, which can taint the entire interview from the get-go.

It’s usually not appropriate until the second interview to pick the photo of your interviewer’s wife up off the desk and adorn the image with kisses.

Job interviews can be stressful, so it’s understandable to want to bring along some comforting plush toys, but try to limit yourself to one or two favorite friends or it can be inconvenient for the receptionist to accommodate them all.

Look, it’s a big Stromboli, and it wouldn’t hurt to share.

It’s okay to embellish some aspects of your leadership skills, but just don’t show up and use the exact same name, birthday, wife, children, education history, and finances as the person who is interviewing you.

Potential employers can generally sniff out overly vague intimidation attempts for the bluff they are; instead offer more grounded, specific threats against their friends and family members.

This is considered a bad look, especially if your invitation didn’t offer you a plus one in the first place.

Nothing kills a promising job interview like an applicant pulling out their resume to discover a hand-drawn “good luck” note from their children, standing up mid-sentence, and running out the door to hail a cab for the soccer field.

Applicants who blink or look away from their interviewer’s gaze at any point are often dismissed as not really wanting the job.

If you can’t find the office, make sure to ask the office manager instead of opening a vent, crawling on your hands and knees, and eventually falling straight through the ceiling onto the table where your potential future boss is sitting.

We all know ageism is a problem in the workplace, but the boss will see right through that diaper and rattle once you sit down at their desk and form coherent sentences.