PROVIDENCE, RI—Saying the new strategy had drastically reduced worker turnover, local consultancy firm Brandwater Solutions reported Thursday that it had achieved a 100% retention rate simply by barricading employees in the office. “Many told us it couldn’t be done in this job market, but all it took to keep our employees from leaving was pushing filing cabinets and chairs against all available exits, then sticking a crowbar into the door handles,” said HR director Ashley Simmons, who added that she had especially taken pride in the way the company had delegated to managers the task of wildly swinging baseball bats and holding back rabid hounds in front of the elevator bank in order to push minority retention rates through the roof. “It really shows the power of listening deeply to our workers, which enables us to hear when any of them are quietly sneaking toward one of the fifth-story windows in the boardroom to jump out. Whenever I get wind of those kinds of concerns, I make sure to respond personally by firing my Smith & Wesson revolver into the ceiling and screaming at the top of my lungs. That usually takes care of it.” Simmons went on to tout the 100% satisfaction rate among former employees, an achievement she credited to the precision laser sights the company kept trained on their foreheads for years after their departure.