SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the boy was falling short of the standard benchmarks of childhood development, a concerned pediatrician reportedly explained to local parents Bill and Susan Tigart on Thursday that their 8-year-old son, Sam, should have been radicalized online by now. “Usually by this stage, we expect kids to have been brainwashed by conspiracy theories on fringe websites, but unfortunately, Sam isn’t even recognizing basic stereotypes yet,” said Dr. Angelica Rowe, who reference a chart showing that, by age 8, most children could read and write death threats, with their more advanced peers beginning to pen lengthy, deranged manifestos. “I first noticed the issue when your son didn’t respond to any of the white supremacist dog whistles I exposed him to. It’s important to make sure he’s spending enough unmonitored time online. There are plenty of resources available through Reddit and 4Chan that can help him development the tools he needs to express hate for women and minorities. But to be honest, there’s a lot to be said for just showing him a couple neo-Nazi videos on YouTube and letting the algorithm take it from there.” According to reports, the pediatrician went on to recommend a hate speech therapist to help the child work on his hard r’s.
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