Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker

McCarthy agreed to be forcibly removed from office by the 15th of next month.

Plus, Andy Biggs gets to do the stabbing.

He just looks more like a “Steve.”

It’s critical that representatives be given time to fake like they’re doing due diligence for their constituents.

While not one of the formal concessions, McCarthy is free to pretend that this was part of the deal should any Democratic representatives see him eating alone.

McCarthy had to make some tough concessions to hard-liners.

Everyone in the GOP agreed it was this or nothing.

Although the procedure is extremely controversial and incredibly painful, the Freedom Caucus made Kevin McCarthy agree to undergo foreskin surgery before they would cast their votes.

“The Star-Spangled Banner” also needs to be sung constantly in four-part harmony, while at least one member of both parties performs an interpretive dance to “Proud To Be An American” on the House floor. This must continue without interruption for the next two years.

Blink and the timer starts over.

Opponents of McCarthy demanded he begin showing respect for authority by turning his backwards hat brim around to the front, despite the move putting his notoriously cool bad-boy attitude at risk.

A hard decision, but McCarthy will still be able to see them every other weekend.

Technically, all members of Congress were supposed to have this done as soon as they were sworn in, but it is a significant step nonetheless.

Eye contact required.

McCarthy must ride bitch in the backseat on any congressional excursions from the Capitol.

McCarthy is allowed to accidentally kill one person by friendly fire each week, but if he does more than that, he will be replaced.

In case McCarthy chooses to sleep around with anyone he wants as speaker of the House, he should be aware of the potential consequences.

If passed, McCarthy may choose his method of suicide.

Far-right Republicans claim they cannot govern unless they have high-definition security footage from every toilet in the Capitol.

In case they do not agree with his governing style, the Freedom Caucus made Kevin McCarthy replace the speaker’s chair with an ejector seat that would launch him through the Capitol ceiling and over 50 feet into the air.

The Freedom Caucus has been waiting for their turn with the Democrats’ kente cloth since Pelosi stepped down, and God only knows what they’re going to do with it now.

Politicians Explain Why They Take Donations From The NRA

Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights

Conservatives Explain Why They Are Terrified Of New York City

Back To Homepage