Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker

Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker

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After 15 votes and multiple days of negotiations, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) finally won his bid to become speaker of the House. The Onion examines what concessions McCarthy had to make.

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Will Be Ousted In Mid-February

Will Be Ousted In Mid-February

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McCarthy agreed to be forcibly removed from office by the 15th of next month.

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Debt Ceiling Cannot Be Raised Without Sacrifice Of One Impoverished American On Top Of Dais

Debt Ceiling Cannot Be Raised Without Sacrifice Of One Impoverished American On Top Of Dais

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Plus, Andy Biggs gets to do the stabbing.

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Must Go By ‘Steve’

Must Go By ‘Steve’

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He just looks more like a “Steve.”

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Congress Members Given 72-Hour Minimum To Pretend To Read A Bill

Congress Members Given 72-Hour Minimum To Pretend To Read A Bill

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It’s critical that representatives be given time to fake like they’re doing due diligence for their constituents.

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Sitting Alone At Lunch

Sitting Alone At Lunch

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While not one of the formal concessions, McCarthy is free to pretend that this was part of the deal should any Democratic representatives see him eating alone.

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Required To Refer To Arizona Rep. Eli Crane As ‘The Handsome Mr. Crane’

Required To Refer To Arizona Rep. Eli Crane As ‘The Handsome Mr. Crane’

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McCarthy had to make some tough concessions to hard-liners.

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Kissing The Big Boy

Kissing The Big Boy

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Everyone in the GOP agreed it was this or nothing.

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That Kevin McCarthy Would Have To Get His Foreskin Reattached

That Kevin McCarthy Would Have To Get His Foreskin Reattached

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Although the procedure is extremely controversial and incredibly painful, the Freedom Caucus made Kevin McCarthy agree to undergo foreskin surgery before they would cast their votes.

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Pledge Of Allegiance Must Be Recited Continuously By At Least One Member

Pledge Of Allegiance Must Be Recited Continuously By At Least One Member

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“The Star-Spangled Banner” also needs to be sung constantly in four-part harmony, while at least one member of both parties performs an interpretive dance to “Proud To Be An American” on the House floor. This must continue without interruption for the next two years.

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Must Gaze Upon Jayson Boebert’s Exposed Penis For Full Uninterrupted 60 Seconds

Must Gaze Upon Jayson Boebert’s Exposed Penis For Full Uninterrupted 60 Seconds

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Blink and the timer starts over.

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Turning His Hat Forwards

Turning His Hat Forwards

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Opponents of McCarthy demanded he begin showing respect for authority by turning his backwards hat brim around to the front, despite the move putting his notoriously cool bad-boy attitude at risk.

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Full Custody Of His Children

Full Custody Of His Children

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A hard decision, but McCarthy will still be able to see them every other weekend.

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Updating To The Latest Version Of Windows

Updating To The Latest Version Of Windows

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Technically, all members of Congress were supposed to have this done as soon as they were sworn in, but it is a significant step nonetheless.

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Must Wear Long-Haired Wig While Telling Matt Gaetz ‘Your Father And I Are So Proud Of You’ With High-Pitched Voice

Must Wear Long-Haired Wig While Telling Matt Gaetz ‘Your Father And I Are So Proud Of You’ With High-Pitched Voice

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Eye contact required.

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Can No Longer Ride Shotgun

Can No Longer Ride Shotgun

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McCarthy must ride bitch in the backseat on any congressional excursions from the Capitol.

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Gavel Replaced With Loaded Gun

Gavel Replaced With Loaded Gun

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McCarthy is allowed to accidentally kill one person by friendly fire each week, but if he does more than that, he will be replaced.

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Wearing The Pregnancy Simulation Belly

Wearing The Pregnancy Simulation Belly

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In case McCarthy chooses to sleep around with anyone he wants as speaker of the House, he should be aware of the potential consequences.

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A Single Lawmaker Can Force A Vote On Whether McCarthy Should Kill Himself

A Single Lawmaker Can Force A Vote On Whether McCarthy Should Kill Himself

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If passed, McCarthy may choose his method of suicide.

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Cameras In The Congressional Bathrooms

Cameras In The Congressional Bathrooms

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Far-right Republicans claim they cannot govern unless they have high-definition security footage from every toilet in the Capitol.

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Kevin McCarthy’s Chair Replaced With Ejector Seat

Kevin McCarthy’s Chair Replaced With Ejector Seat

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In case they do not agree with his governing style, the Freedom Caucus made Kevin McCarthy replace the speaker’s chair with an ejector seat that would launch him through the Capitol ceiling and over 50 feet into the air.

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Freedom Caucus Gets A Turn With The Kente Cloth

Freedom Caucus Gets A Turn With The Kente Cloth

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The Freedom Caucus has been waiting for their turn with the Democrats’ kente cloth since Pelosi stepped down, and God only knows what they’re going to do with it now.

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You’ve Made It This Far...

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