NEW YORK—Saying that she could use a short reminder of why she has a significant sway in the shaping of the collegiate sports landscape, sources confirmed that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice spent the first 15 minutes of a College Football Committee meeting Monday asking board members to explain what the fuck she was doing there. “Before we get started, I just want to quickly ask: Does anybody have a reasonable explanation for why I’m sitting here to deliberate the rankings of a bunch of football teams?” said Rice, adding that she was hoping for further clarification on what possible aspect of her decades of work and life experience made her appear remotely qualified, or even interested in, a job that entails determining whether LSU is a better football team than Michigan State. “Just to clarify, they decided to replace a computer algorithm with 13 people from across the country, and that group needed to include a former Secretary of State and a retired lieutenant from the Air Force. And now, I’ll be relied upon every week to hash out the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team in the SEC, ACC, and Pac-12. That make sense to anyone?” Sources confirmed that a visibly frustrated Rice then leaned back in her chair and asked to see the chart of offensive efficiency ratings so she could “get this stupid fucking thing over with.”
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