ALBANY, NY—A condom allegedly employed as a local couple’s method of contraception earlier this year was indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday on nearly 400 million counts of spermicide. “Our investigation shows that the defendant, with the use of good timing and proper fitting, willingly and knowingly perpetrated the mass spermicide of nearly half a billion innocent spermatozoa,” read a statement issued by the Attorney General’s office, which also made reference to separate charges for the unidentified male and female accomplices who were said to have contracted the polyisoprene barrier’s services during a mass sperm-killing spree. “Our investigation has uncovered substantial DNA evidence linking the defendant to the crime, and we strongly urge the harshest possible sentence.” The statement went on to say that due to the extremely violent nature of the crime, the maximum sentencing of life imprisonment in a college dorm room wastebasket would be sought.

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