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Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years

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The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top agenda items for the next two years.

  • Amass over 500 hours of footage of FBI and DOJ officials saying they can’t comment on ongoing investigations
  • Eliminate Congress’ weekly drag story hour
  • Increase congressing by 25%
  • Exhume and investigate the body of Beau Biden
  • Give congressional interns the occasional goosing
  • Try catering from that new sandwich place
  • Investigate Instagram for allowing conservatives to post unflattering photos of themselves
  • Fund nationwide road removal to prevent abortion-seekers from leaving states where it’s banned
  • End Social Security so American seniors can learn value of hard day’s work
  • Continue making representative democracy look like complete dogshit
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