SIOUX FALLS, SD—After he vowed not to patronize the Anheuser-Busch company because of its marketing partnership with a transgender TikTok star, sources reported Friday that a local conservative man boycotting Bud Light was forced to drink six cans of something else before hitting his kids. “Tonight I’d love nothing more than to enjoy my usual six-pack and start terrorizing my family, but now that Bud Light is woke, I guess I’ll have to switch to Miller Lite or Twisted Tea or something else,” said Dennis Chase, 46, who added that if the brand of beer he had been loyal to for decades supported groomers, he could not in good conscience drink it to excess, grow angry, and then throw the empty can at his son’s head. “You won’t see me drinking from some gay rainbow can while I whip my daughter with an extension cord or threaten to beat our crying toddler who won’t shut the hell up. No, I’m not gonna let some depraved company force their homosexual agenda down my kids’ throats as I’m choking the life out of them.” At press time, sources confirmed Chase was working on his second six-pack and had moved on to the next part of his regular nightly routine, googling trans porn.
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