GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of ourselves with the latest hair colors, nail applications, and specialized skin-care treatments,” militia member Wayne Donnell, 54, said as he drilled a group of children, some as young as 7, in the basics of administering a seaweed body wrap. “We’re actively recruiting tanning bed operators to join the fight, and we’re stockpiling styling gel so we’ll have something to barter after the dollar flatlines. Of course, we also have a bunker full of diesel generators, which are crucial if you want to be able to operate hair dryers and curling irons off the grid. I’d advise others to do likewise. If you and every member of your family can’t at least execute a decent mani-pedi, then brother, there ain’t gonna be much hope for you under the New World Order.” Donnell went on to state that those who failed to prepare for the fall of society had better not come crying to him when they needed a Brazilian blowout.
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