Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
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“For thousands of years, humanity only had one gender, and that was enough.”
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“As much as I deny the Holocaust, nothing would bring me more joy than to one day start my own.”
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“Where would we be as a country if we didn’t take every non-issue and turn it into a culture war?”
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“I heard they can fly and that scares me.”
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“In fairness, I am bigoted against way more people than just trans people.”
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“I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to Harry Potter adults, and I’m somehow the bad guy?”
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“I have been forced at gunpoint by thousands of teenagers I’ve never seen before to gender-reassignment surgeries, and I’m so tired now that I don’t think there should be any more.”
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“What if I am in a public bathroom and I run out of toilet paper and I get down on my hands and knees and reach under the stall to grab toilet paper from the next stall over without checking if anyone’s even in there and I reach my hand in and grab a penis? What if that happens to me?”
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“Male and female ice cream should be kept separate, goddamnit!!!!!”
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“A sixth-grader came into my guidance counselor office the other day and said she thinks she is experiencing gender dysphoria and wanted my advice. Fortunately, I know my rights, and so I said, my advice to you is that you are trying to groom me, and if you persist I will have you arrested. I’d hate for any other guidance counselor to be traumatized and almost groomed into manhood by an 11-year-old like I was on that terrible day.”
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“I think trans people are icky, but I’m actually liberal and have always voted for Democrats, so I think I should be excused from this slideshow.”
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“If the trans community can get to Dilbert, then none of us are safe.”
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“I believe it’s God’s will that a man has an outside pee pee.”
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“Trans people will only groom children into becoming comfortable expressing their authentic selves.”
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“If all of these sexually confused teens feel empowered to define themselves on their own terms, then they won’t need me complimenting their bodies in online forums anymore.”
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“You know what, I just realized I don’t even know what trans people are, but I’m sure I’ll begin hating them more effectively once I figure it out.”
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“You expect me to not only remember every idiotic thing I blurt out to incite hateful rage among my viewers but also invent some impossible logic to defend it? Fat chance.”
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“It’s my job as an elected representative to reflect my constituents’ prejudices.”
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“You’re telling me I’m just supposed to keep to myself and not worry about something that doesn’t affect me at all? Then what am I supposed to think about, the environment?”
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“It’s not really so much trans people themselves, it’s more that I’m an unrelenting ball of hatred, and will direct that hatred wherever I’m told.”
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“Just wanted you to know my pen names are TERFs, too.”
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