Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.
“Whatever thing the government is talking about banning now has always been a pillar of American democracy.”
“Making a grilled cheese sandwich on an electric stove is exactly the world Stalin envisioned.”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to blame your apartment exploding on an ‘electricity leak’?”
“I have become entranced by the flames. They beckon me with their dancing. I will not rest until all of America tastes their fire.”
“Smell good. Smell sleepy good.”
“You can’t prove that’s gas and not a biofuel made from things I have decomposing in my basement.”
“The only people really in danger from gas stoves are the help.”
“My kids didn’t get asthma from the gas stove. They got asthma because I smoke in the house.”
“I bet if it were a gas-powered windmill, liberals would love it.”
“What’s supposed to go where the gas stove was, another sink? That’s too much water for me.”
“What’s next, replacing my candles with electric lights? Where would you even get such things?”
“Electric stoves can be just as bad for the environment, if you’re using them right.”
“There’s not a single sentence in the Constitution that doesn’t mention them.”
“Electricity is for libs.”
“Food just tastes better when my kid is wheezing in the next room.”
“If an LG LSGL6337F Smart Slide-In Gas Range was good enough for George Washington, it’s good enough for me.”
“This is how it starts. Next thing you know, liberals will be coming for our heroin and child pornography.”
“Whichever side of this debate I’m supposed to be on, I’m furious.”