Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves

Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves

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Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.

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Will Rangone, Construction Worker

Will Rangone, Construction Worker

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“Whatever thing the government is talking about banning now has always been a pillar of American democracy.”

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Gerry Trenton, Smelter

Gerry Trenton, Smelter

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“Making a grilled cheese sandwich on an electric stove is exactly the world Stalin envisioned.”

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Cait Krajeski, Stay-At-Home Mom

Cait Krajeski, Stay-At-Home Mom

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“Do you have any idea how hard it is to blame your apartment exploding on an ‘electricity leak’?”

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Joni Ernst, Senator

Joni Ernst, Senator

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“I have become entranced by the flames. They beckon me with their dancing. I will not rest until all of America tastes their fire.”

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Ron Burgess, Tollbooth Operator

Ron Burgess, Tollbooth Operator

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“Smell good. Smell sleepy good.”

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Claire Weiss, Contractor

Claire Weiss, Contractor

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“You can’t prove that’s gas and not a biofuel made from things I have decomposing in my basement.”

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Art Rincon, Shipping Magnate

Art Rincon, Shipping Magnate

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“The only people really in danger from gas stoves are the help.”

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Marlene Weine, Auditing Clerk

Marlene Weine, Auditing Clerk

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“My kids didn’t get asthma from the gas stove. They got asthma because I smoke in the house.”

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Cindy Hicks, Software Designer

Cindy Hicks, Software Designer

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“I bet if it were a gas-powered windmill, liberals would love it.”

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Trevor Regina, Musician

Trevor Regina, Musician

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“What’s supposed to go where the gas stove was, another sink? That’s too much water for me.”

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Zack Larchmont, Physical Therapist

Zack Larchmont, Physical Therapist

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“What’s next, replacing my candles with electric lights? Where would you even get such things?”

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Aaron Paquet, Medical Researcher

Aaron Paquet, Medical Researcher

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“Electric stoves can be just as bad for the environment, if you’re using them right.”

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Luisa Vargas, Waitress

Luisa Vargas, Waitress

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“There’s not a single sentence in the Constitution that doesn’t mention them.”

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Samuel Kauffman, Amish Furniture Craftsman

Samuel Kauffman, Amish Furniture Craftsman

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“Electricity is for libs.”

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Sandra McNally, Product Tester

Sandra McNally, Product Tester

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“Food just tastes better when my kid is wheezing in the next room.”

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Jacklyn Duffy, Dairy Farmer

Jacklyn Duffy, Dairy Farmer

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“If an LG LSGL6337F Smart Slide-In Gas Range was good enough for George Washington, it’s good enough for me.”

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Harry Barnidge, Accountant

Harry Barnidge, Accountant

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“This is how it starts. Next thing you know, liberals will be coming for our heroin and child pornography.”

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Conrad Straub, HVAC Installer

Conrad Straub, HVAC Installer

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“Whichever side of this debate I’m supposed to be on, I’m furious.”

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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